im toni and im from southern california

boyfriends / music / mah main boy / me / theme

What’s the trick to remembering that a sandwich is masculine? What qualities does it share with anyone in possession of a penis? I’ll tell myself that a sandwich is masculine because if left alone for a week or two, it will eventually grow a beard.
David Sedaris (via ohyesdavidsedaris)
When asked “What do we need to learn this for?” any high-school teacher can confidently answer that, regardless of the subject, the knowledge will come in handy once the student hits middle age and starts working crossword puzzles in order to stave off the terrible loneliness.
David Sedaris, Me Talk Pretty One Day (via adamhermansson91swe)
Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you’re offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone’s feelings.
David Sedaris (via quotes-shape-us)
I might reinvent myself to strangers, but to this day, as far as my family is concerned, I’m still the one most likely to set your house on fire.
David Sedaris (via mermaidsparkles)
aseaofquotes:

David Sedaris, Naked

aseaofquotes:

David Sedaris, Naked

foodchewer:

thanks Doug

foodchewer:

thanks Doug

coelasquid:

I found out that if you give your tomato plant adequate water and fertilizer you run the risk of it never flowering because consistently comfortable conditions convince the plant that there is no environmental pressure to spread and reproduce.

You can literally be a helicopter tomato parent and grow a spoiled directionless manchild tomato plant.

yungkawaiiinigga:

I lowkey feel like a lame dude did this and took the pic for IG to be on some, ” this is what a real woman would do!” Typeshit

yungkawaiiinigga:

I lowkey feel like a lame dude did this and took the pic for IG to be on some, ” this is what a real woman would do!” Typeshit

fappuclno:

when you and ya bestfriend say something at the exact same time
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